I’m tired and confused. I feel trapped. There is so many things i’d like to do, so many places I’d like to see… I’m torn between my stable life that gives me security, my job that is fulfilling and that I enjoy and that voice inside me that says: is that it? is that supposed to be your life? 9am till 6pm, 5 days a week… what about all that time that is forever lost… I am definitely going through my ‘middle life crisis’… at 33 years old! But it feels also like there is something more to it… these feelings have not just appeared suddenly… they were growing, maturing inside me for years. Leaving my stable, comfortable life to experience unknown has also always thrilled and scared me in equal measures. Actually it wasn’t equal… i was always scared more. Nowadays I just can’t pretend anymore that these feelings don’t exist.
I was always curious and loved traveling. However only since i’ve started reading travel books about 10 years ago, that desire to travel became something that was not only part of dreams, it became a possibility. Reading about people like Kinga Freespirit or Wojciech Cejrowski, people who made their lives around traveling, made it feel doable.
For others though, not so much for me. Plus I had way too many other things I needed to take care of first. First it was my flat in Cracow, then more secure position at work, more experience, more money. Plus i don’t really want to do it on my own and really it would be much more fun to travel with someone… I kept coming out with excuses… Kept trying to convinced myself that this ‘security blanket’ that i’m trying to create is what i really need and want. That this is the happiness.
Well it might be for some but let’s face it, it’s not enough for me. I feel like life is passing me by and I keep hoping that one day I’ll have enough courage to finally embark on an adventure!
Don’t get me wrong. Life is an adventure in itself and one finds his happiness in variety of things but i just could not ever shake it off. I kept dreaming that one day, one day… I’ll travel the world.
So… since the beginning of the year i’ve been thinking about going away for about a month or two. I wanted to do it on a safe side, don’t quite my job just try to use as much of the annual leave and bank holidays as possible, negotiate the time off, possibly explore some unpaid leave if possible. I would still have some money coming into my account, still would come back to London, to the same apartment, same job… Still in my comfort zone… just like longer holidays.
And that’s exactly the problem with it… i’m still limited by the watch, the annual leave the time that is running out and that’s actually just the opposite of what i actually want! Because: I want to break free!!
It all comes to the fact that I’m afraid… afraid to make a decision, to take the risk and just go! And to be fair I’m afraid for good reasons!
I like my job, it’s interesting, like the people and even the company, not perfect but finally good enough, I feel I can actually make a difference, i feel like I am growing… I love being Project Manager, love digital, i finally feel I’m good at something and it feels good! I’ve worked for it and I’ve earned it!
Perfect! If I could only get rid of these feelings! This need to explore, urge to travel and wander… If only! Oh, my life would be much so much simpler. You just get yourself a career, get married, have a kid or two and get a mortgage. But no! Since i remember i’ve always wanted – possible similar to every other human being – for my life to be different, special, one of it’s kind! Like no other! So there you are… This is it, make up your mind! Make a decision and stick to it!
I really feel it’s about time I decide on something. Anything. Do something to free myself from this indecision, from this weeks of tossing and turning. I need a sense of direction, I need to know where i’m heading! I can’t live from one day to another without a bigger plan, a goal to look forward to. Ideally something completely impossible… just to keep me busy enough trying to make it happen 🙂 I like the challenge. I live to stop to think about my life and where i’m heading. I need dreams, that I can make into reality. I enjoy the journey.
Yes, you are right. I’m nuts. I know, believe me. And I know I need to learn how to enjoy what i’ve accomplished. I get that. But the journey, the excitement! That’s what drives me!
That said we need to now work out the timings/budget/plan… and decide when we want to go. I think I am ready for an adventure! I hope that we are ready for an adventure! Time to try to make this happen!
